In Which there is a New Year

Dear Reader,

I have had a hard semester. I've worked seven jobs (approximately 20-30 hours a week), completed 14 units (4 classes), continued research, began my position as co-president of the Chem Club on campus, choreographed for and participated in my dance studio's Christmas production, and started grad school apps.

There were days, weeks even when I wondered if I could make it through. I seriously considered why I was doing this to myself. I wondered if I would fail. I wondered if I wanted to do it. I questioned my motives, my goals, and my current state of possible burn out.

And it took it's toll. When I was done with finals, I was happy but I didn't feel...done. Something was unfinished. I think I was almost in a state of shock. I smiled and did (mostly) all the right things. I bought Christmas presents (all on time this year!), wrapped them (in four hours no less!) and sat smiling through the wonderful ordeal of my family's Christmas. Well, mostly. I broke down half way through. I'm not sure what the trigger was, but I ran out under the pretense of "needing water".

I've had a few breakdowns since, of varying degrees.

Why am I putting this out here? Because as we all know, the Internet is forever. I could just put this in a word doc and forget about it for a couple years and open it later (Oh, yes I do that too. ). Well, one thing I've been trying to do all last year is be more real. More transparent, so that (selfishly) I don't feel like I'm the only one going through this and so (not so selfishly) other people will perhaps gain the courage to speak out too. I haven't had the best success with this, but I'm determined to try.*

This post is for the pre-Ph.D. student, or really any student (or pretty much anyone who relates), who is going through a tough time of burn-out. If that's what this is. I haven't spent too much time diagnosing it (only about two or three months), but here's my symptoms:

1. Advancing to Expert Level on Procrastination (I'm procrastinating on the projects I created so I could procrastinate on the little stuff so I could procrastinate on the big stuff. You know, the stuff that will help me graduate and move on with my life. No biggie.)

2. Lack of appetite (Seriously, one day I literally only ate two pieces of chocolate. And I'm known for my love of food. Half of my presents consisted of food. {given and received}).

3. Love of sleep (After school ended, I slept for almost 24 hours straight, got up for one meal and then slept again for 12 hours.)

4. Dreams (Literally all night and so I don't wake up feeling rested at all. It's a pain. I get some fun stories out of it though. They're not necessarily nightmares.)

5. Bouts of enormous hunger (I know this contradicts #2, but seriously again. I ate a 4" piece of cake, a bowl of Mongolian BBQ, a chicken pot pie, 6 pieces of chocolate, five cups of tea, two spoonfuls of Nutella, and lots of water all yesterday. I'm weird, I know.)

6. Enjoying cleaning the house ( I had a lot of fun today washing the floor and vacuuming. I dislike vacuuming, ever since the incident**).

7. Crying almost every day (or maybe every day)

8. Thoughts of quitting (serious thoughts about what kind of excuse I could make up that would work on both my parents and professors).

9. Skipping class ( okay, I only did it once this semester but that was a new one for me. And it wasn't like I took the time off. Nope, I was sitting working on the practice test. But still, intentionally skipping when I wasn't sick, so weird.)

10. And lastly, my normal nerd things not making me happy. (Don't get me wrong. I still smiled as I washed hundreds of test tubes. I still marveled at the colors of the reactions. I still squealed {inwardly and outwardly} when I found a particularly wonderful book. But I wanted to be outside more. I wanted to read silly books. I wanted...a break.  A break to do nothing but sleep. But turns out, that's not so awesome either.)

Whatever all this means, I know I've gone through this before. Just not this intensely. And I've made it through with less of a promise to be done than I do now.

And I have so many things to be thankful for.

To be continued...

*New Year's resolution.

**I ran over the vacuum cord when I was eight. It was traumatic.

In Which the Author is Thankful

Dear Reader, 

In the last few weeks, life has become increasingly stressful. Nothing in particular has brought this on, however, the normal onslaught of life has increased overall. That precarious balance between work, school, family, friends, and spending some me-time has definitely fallen and shattered. And if I'm being really honest, there was a point when I wondered if I was burnt out. Done. Kaput. No more energy. No more inspiration. No more being driven. 

I didn't want to feel like that. I didn't want to fail tests, ignore people, and forget important items on my to do lists. But I did. But that wasn't the horrible part. The horrible part was when I felt like I didn't care anymore. I wanted to care. But all I felt was an overwhelming desire to sleep. Not even eating was appealing anymore. I was hiding from my problems in the most primitive way. 

Somehow though I managed to get through each day. Actually, I know how I got through each day. Only by the power of the Holy Spirit. Because there was ( and still is) some serious spiritual warfare going on. It hits me every semester and every semester gets worse. It's like he doesn't want to succeed. Oh, that's right. He doesn't. And he (Satan) will do anything and everything to try to thwart God's plan for me. He will do anything to throw me off my game, convince me I am a failure, and persuade my purpose in life is well, null. 

But that is a lie. An enormous lie. Because I am learning exactly what God has called me to be, what He has called me to do. And it's amazing. 

And now to my point. 

I am thankful for  chocolate and cheese and comfort food. 

I am thankful for  color changes, explosions, and clean glassware. 

I am thankful for  traffic, lost phones, and keys locked in the car.

I am thankful for  old books, bookshelves, and that I'm still learning. 

I am thankful for bad grades, bad choices, and second chances. 
 
I am thankful for cuddly and demanding cats, electric blankets, and scarves. 
 
I am thankful for  wind, fog, and rain.

I am thankful for  graduate schools that might open their doors to me. 

I am thankful for  graduate schools that will shut their doors. 

I am thankful for  babies that will be born.

I am thankful for  cars that work and who don't mind when you go a leetle too fast.

I am thankful for  music that uplifts, encourages and inspires. 

I am thankful for  opportunities to share the good news with other people. Sometimes overtly and direct. Other times more subtle.

I am thankful for wonderful professors who give you scholarships unexpectedly and who constantly encourage and challenge you even when you might feel like a fraud.

I am thankful for  being able to dance and express who I am in such a unique way.

I am thankful for  my dancers who appreciate me and who love me even when I'm cranky. 

I am thankful for  sunrises and sunsets. fall leaves and crackly branches. Real art.

I am thankful for  friends who trust me and truly enjoy being around me. 

I am thankful for  hope, love, peace and joy. these words instantly calm me.

I am thankful for  my family who has been constant and encouraging through one of the hardest semesters of my life. 

I am thankful for  the spiritual warfare going on in my life right now. Without it, I would never understand as fully God's love for me. I would never understand what it is to be desperate and thus never understand what joy is really like. I would never feel this close to God.

I am thankful for  my God, who is with me every day, who loves and accepts me, who protects and fights for me, whose love never fails, and whose mercies are new every morning.
 

In Which the Author Struggles with the HPLC

For those of you new to this blog, I am still an undergrad. And right about now in the semester, a very tired, cranky undergrad. 

Working seven jobs, two volunteer positions, studying for 16 units, researching and applying for grad school all at the same time will do that to a person. 

I know I can get through this because I'm actually doing fairly well in keeping up with everything and doing well in my classes (I have two A's and one B+ right now. The other two classes are pretty much guaranteed A's as long as I keep going.)  

I took the GRE subject test yesterday and I have no idea how I did. I skipped 12 questions, so I won't get the perfect score, but I wasn't going for that anyway. Having not taken quantum or inorganic chem yet, I studied for those by myself this semester.  The only question I remember from the test was determining the relationship between Cp and Cv (Cp-Cv = nR). Having gone over the derivation at least three times last fall, I knew I would get that one right. 

Research is...a struggle. The HPLC, that wonderful experiment that I was so excited to learn about, has now taken most of my time this semester. I still can't get the diastereomers base-line separated!  I've learned a lot though and because the grad student I work with has basically left alone on this, I've felt more like a "researcher", making my own decisions and trying to interpret the data correctly. 

I've also got to learn how to use the DART (direct analysis in real time) mass spec! Using instruments that require simple setups and then patience while the line inches across the screen should make me grateful because I have time to grade papers, study, create to do lists, do errands, make sure the classes I need are being offered, etc. Instead, I'm discovering I miss my lab. I miss the smell of organic fumes, the numbing noise of the fume hoods, even washing the hundreds of test tubes!  

Maybe next Tuesday, I'll go in just to wash dishes. I'm missing my lab time.

In Which I learn to Use the HPLC (or Remembering Three First Days Part III)

Do you remember how my last post mentioned starting research very quickly. Walk in and BAM! Set up that distillation. 

Well, this semester began at breakneck speed compared to that. It also marked one full year doing research and LOVIN' IT!* 

This time I walked in and was told, set up this reaction and then we're going to go over to the other lab to work on the HPLC. Now, bear in mind that I had been doing these reactions for almost a year but after a week of absolutely no thinking, (I'm talking nothing harder than simple algebra), my mind was moving a little slower. But I finished with minimal stopping and thinking: "What am I doing now?!" 

And then we walked over to the other lab and thus began my journey with the wonderful instrument known as the HPLC. 

I watched carefully as he (the grad student) removed the old column and replaced it nonchalantly, ensuring every thing was tight and in order. After purging, he said:"Okay, now I want you to inject a sample and see how it works."**

Trying not to tremble, I reached for the syringe and cleaned it, watching as it spurted sideways into the beaker. And then I cautiously injected the sample, moving slowly so that he could stop me from blowing us up.*** The experiment began and I stared at the screen watching the thin black line travel across the plot.

As the colors changed my (inside) excitement grew. It was working! 

......

Four weeks later, the wonder has somewhat faded from watching a thin black line travel across a screen 1 nm per second. But manipulating the solvent concentration and flow rate and watching in trepidation as the pressure increases toward 2000 psi and smiling as the results show two peaks almost baseline separated...the delight and contentment...that has not changed. 

That's not to say there haven't been times when I've wanted to pull out my hair while threatening to pull the plug on it or just simply walk away. But most of the time I've figured it out and if not, the grad student does.**** 

I can't wait til tomorrow! 

P.S.  School + work + volunteer + club + other necessary stuff like food and sleep = no time for blog. I shall try to be better, but it will probably be only once a week. 

* Brownie Points if you know which TV show I'm referencing

**Or something like that. I can't actually remember the conversation or really the exact story. This is a complete approximation. 

***Not really true, I know. Dramatic license. 

****Because he's awesome! 

In Which Research Is Begun For the Semester (or Remembering Three First Days Part II)

Dear Reader, 

Yesterday, I was able to begin research again. Even though I have been doing it for a year (including summer), I can't believe how much they trust me. It is huge responsibility and I'm pretty sure, I'm that much better and more confident for that trust. 

It was a little over one year ago that I bumped into a tall guy in the chem dept office, little realizing that he was to be a mentor of sorts for the next two years. I was a transfer student, new not only to the campus but to the idea of a four year university. I felt like I had a huge disadvantage coming in two years after everyone else. They must have already formed connections with professors, learned all the little hints on how to graduate top of the class, and were well on their way to even more prestigious schools. Thus, I subconsciously decided I was going to step out of my comfort zone and essentially do what they did in two years in the first two weeks. I rushed around, learning my way around campus so I didn't have to carry a map, was introduced to the secret passage between the chem library and the two floors, made a point to always walk by the NMR instrument as the novelty hadn't worn off. I was told to get involved in research. I talked to four professors who were doing some sort of organic chemistry* and the last professor I talked to was the chair of the dept. 

It was the second or third day of the semester when I walked in and sat down. The professor explained what his current projects were all about and as I listened I got more excited. This was it! This was what I wanted to do! But to be fair, I thanked him for his time and thought about it for a couple days.** Then, I walked back in to his office and said: "I would love to do research with you." We talked about chemistry and school, etc. And then he welcomed me on board! I was then introduced to the guy I bumped into and found out that he was the grad student I would be working with. Oh the embarrassment. 

The first day of research I was given a few dishes to wash and then...a distillation to set up! Frantically, I tried to remember how to set one up and eventually figured it out...30 minutes later. Fortunately, they had left me alone so no one was there to witness my incompetence. 

That day, despite my fears, was one of the best days. I felt trusted and responsible, but I knew that I had support in case I messed up. After I had finished for the day, I went to talk to my PI. 

PI: "So, I didn't hear any fire engines, so the lab didn't blow up."

Me: "They're on their way. It should be fine though."

Yep, research was definitely my favorite class that semester and the following semester and last summer and it is, so far, in first place for this semester. I can't wait for Tuesday***!



*Yes, O Chem. I'm one of those people. I'm also one of those people who enjoyed the ACS exam. Strange...

**This really meant I waited around for what I thought was an appropriate amount of time until I could say: "YES!!! PLEASE LET ME JOIN!!" ****

***I do research Tuesdays and Thursdays because even though I would love to do it every day, I have other like classes and work and stuff...Apparently, they're important too. 

****I found out later that my PI wasn't planning on accepting any undergrads that year. I guess I convinced him to do differently? 


 

In Which Tutoring Is, Once Again, Good.

Last Friday, I had the pleasure of tutoring of an eighth grader in English Grammar. 

We were identifying prepositions, object of the prepositions*, and direct objects.

After completing ten or so sentences, I had him create some sentences of his own. Here are some (unedited). 

1. Sam threw the pie at Bob. 

2. The boy tried to climb through the tree with the squirrel. 

3. The president should not have won the election. 



We also had this conversation: 

Student: Do you have Comcast? 

Me: No

Student: Dish,  Direct Tv, any kind of cable? 

Me: Nope, we have the basic stuff. 

Student: *Blank Stare* 

Me: Like, um...Fox and News10 and Channel 3 or 4...

Student: So all the boring channels? 

Me: No! We have weather too!**

***End of Post


*abbreviation for object of the preposition was OTP. I laughed inwardly many times at this. 

**This was not received well. Apparently weather is not an *exciting* topic. 

***This could be considered a somewhat bland post. I'm posting it more to remind myself that sessions can go well without meltdowns or huge breakthroughs. This is a good representation of a normal session. A few laughs and a few struggles, but overall success. 

In Which Three First Days Are Described (Part 1)

Note: I was going to write these as one post, however that would make one long post, so I'm splitting them up. 


Dear Reader, 

Four years ago this week, I walked onto a college campus supposedly prepared to begin my first semester. It was cold and foggy at 6:45 am as I walked to my calculus class. Scared that I had forgotten the way, I tried to text a friend who was in the same class. No response. The pathway seemed longer than I remembered as my mom and I had walked it a few times so I could get familiar with it. I had everything I needed - pencils, pens, the textbook*, paper, calculator....

There was no one around I would approach. I went to a local community college and at that time smokers made up most of the population on campus or so it seemed. Finally, I saw the tall gray building and walked inside. Finding my classroom with less difficulty, I entered and saw my friend had chosen a back table with two guys. Inwardly I thought: "Why?! All I wanted to do was sit front and center so I don't have to talk to anyone." 

She called me over and I went, reluctant. 

The rest of the day is somewhat of a blur now. I know I saw a few more people I knew and that was reassuring. But overall, looking back, I think if I had had a choice I would have ran out of there as quick as I could. 

The semester went well however. That calc class was terrible and I ended up retaking it in the summer**, but the guys were fun and studied for the most part. Actually, one guy and my friend ended up dropping. I stayed til the bitter cold end. 

I'm glad I stayed though. Both that first day and through the semester. Failing once in a while could be good for perfectionist types like me. I learned that I can get back up and survive and sometimes sitting in the back is okay, too. 

*All $200 worth of it. 
**And got 98% in the class. This wasn't a question of studying harder. There was simply a better teacher.  

In Which the Author is Hired In Less Time Than It Takes To Complete An IR Experiment

Dear Reader, 

About two hours ago, I was planning on taking 15 units*, continuing research**, continuing my volunteer work as a peer-reviewer***, holding on to 6 jobs****, as well as attempting to have a social life.

Ambitious, I know. And there have been several times people have looked at me like I was crazy. I suppose they might be correct, but then again finding things to do has never been a problem for me. I'm that annoying person who always had too many pages in her essay, read 5000***** books each summer, and never had a problem finding a job. 5/6 of my current jobs I didn't interview for - I was asked. Not that the reader should envy me, after all now I actually have to do all the work I signed up for. But as the previous post and future posts will show, I love all my jobs. My problem might not be finding jobs, but in saying no. 

God has given me so much and opened so many doors for me that most of the time, it is overwhelming. It forces me to prioritize, organize and of course, say no to things that aren't as important. 

However, God just gave me another job. Yes, another!! A job posting was listed on Facebook from my chemistry dept, stating that they needed TA's for General Chemistry! About five minutes after I sent an email to the professor detailing why I should get the job, I got a two sentence reply: "You're hired! Come to my office this Monday, so we can talk." 

Much joy ensued! 

And now I get to decide whether or not to keep all my jobs or to minimize a few or what.... 
I can't wait for Monday now though! ******


*Although I'm still waffling on whether I should take German or Advanced NMR. I can sit in on the NMR class, but should I just go for it and get credit for it? 
**This is still going to be my favorite class. 
***I get to review undergraduate journal articles in physics, chemistry, and math. 
****Three of which, are at my university and only require 2-3 hours of work a week. The other three require 3-5 hours of work a week, so it's not as bad as it looks. 
*****Not really, but close. I'm planning on making a post (or several) on books I read this summer and books in general. 
*****More than I already was! 

In Which the Merits of Tutoring are Catalogued

There are times when after eight hours of seemingly-force feeding students material that you wonder if the headaches are worth it. Is there progress being made? Is there really a difference between now and five weeks ago? 

I had a conversation once with a physics professor on the pros and cons of teaching. He said that it was not the students who didn't work and failed that bothered you as much (this occurs with every profession - people who don't want to work), but the students who put the hours and effort in and were struggling for that C grade. "If you can deal with that and still remain optimistic, then you can be a teacher." 

I have had a taste of that this summer with students not doing their homework or simply forgetting the simplest things. "What's 2x3?" several minutes go by.... "2x3?" Blank stare. "Really?! We just did this two problems ago! You're in sixth grade for crying out loud!"*

Okay, so the last part is normally in my head. Outwardly, I smile and draw it out for them or simply postpone that problem til later. 

But there have been some truly amazing parts of this summer that I would like to document for future encouragement. 

~Watching a 5th grade seamlessly slide into learning algebraic concepts. 

~Helping a 12th grader study for the SAT and grin as I hold up a section with only 3(!) out of 34 incorrect. 

~ Discussing the possibility of traveling to the Sun with a 5th grader: *after many, many odd guesses on the material** the spacecraft should be formed out of* 
"I've got it! You have the President's number, right?!" 
"Well..." 
"Tell them to get my Nobel Prize ready! It's Carpet!!" 
 
~Giving a review quiz on everything we've learned this summer and the student having only a few glitches

~Listening to a 4th grader read "My Father's Dragon" after five intense weeks of learning how to read. 

~Creating a new TV show called "MathBusters"***. In this show, we will solve the pattern of prime numbers. 

~Discussing why mayonnaise is so disgusting. 

~Reading an essay on the topic of never giving up and having "Finding Nemo" be one of the examples. 

There is so many more stories I have to write down. In summary, yes. It is worth it. 

On a side note: I got to bring my silver flask home!! And I completed two more rxns last week and didn't burn/injure myself!**** However, that was my last week of summer school. And now a whole week without lab. What will I do with myself?*****

*True story. 
**other suggestions included: diamonds, manure, concrete, hair, stainless steel and plastic. 
***Based on the show MythBusters. We even started to create our own theme song. 
****This does not include inanimate objects. One test tube and one 50 mL round bottom flask are now at the bottom of the broken glass container. 
*****Besides sleep, eat, watch Numb3rs, read lots of books and get ready for school next week. Oh, and study for the GRE and the subject GRE and write to potential PIs,etc. I think I'll be okay.

In Which A Silver Flask Was Partially Created and Minor Injuries Might Have Occurred

Today I was met with the opportunity to try the Tollen's test (to test for aldehydes). Having not done this particular experiment before, I agreed. Excitement ensued as I and the high school student (A.), carefully measured out the reagents and heated it according to the instructions. A beautiful silver began to form on the surface of the glass looking something like this:

 There was also a small instance in which I was given a few decisions in what I was going to do that day for research. Thus, I decided to begin two reactions that day (normally I do one).

This would have been fine, except for the next day was then a flurry of work-ups, columns, and clean-ups. I did finish, but not until 5:30 pm. There may or may not be some small burns on my fingers now. And there may or may not have been a point in which my small finger came into contact with something that turned the skin white and numb and was therefore put under the water for approximately 20 minutes while I prayed not to die.


Regardless of those perhappenings, the work was completed and the partially silver flask is now sitting waiting for me to finish coating it with silver.